2003-04-22 - 8:59 p.m.
i need help.
Do you ever feel like crying.
I dont understand what i do to myself. I was so fucking happy today. I told trina at dinner, "This day has been too good, its only BOUND to get bad,,very bad". And im right.
It has nothing to do with anything. My mood fucking change. I reliesed how fucking pathelic i am. I reliesed that im sick of things. Im sick of the situations i get myself in, and how i deal with them. Do you ever know what you want sooo bad, and have this ideal set in your head, and than you just reliese, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I wish i could tell you what im thinking...but there are only a few who know about this ideal ive built up in my head...and i honestly think they think im the biggest loser in the world.
There are a few things that have made me fucking happy the last few weeks...and now i reliesed how pathelic that is. But it makes me happy. My life has been a huge dream the last few weeks. Man what im saying can relate to SOOOO many things right now.
Im confused about school. Im confused about my fucking life. I was reading something today, and i dont wanna be in a deadweight job. I dont wanna have a fucking boring life. I honestly have this dream of my life in my head, and i guess it is just all falling down as reality sets in. Dont get me started on fucking guys. As much as i talk about all these guys in my life, you know what i reliesed, They either make me fucking sad, OR i feel like i dont deserve they *or maybe i just want to be with people sometimes, i make myself believe i want them....and i think physical apperance as bad as it sounds is what makes me believe i want them, when deep down THEY arent the people i want.....* There have only been a few guys in my life i have met where i really WANTED to be with, and i couldnt get them outta my mind...but ODVIOUSLY it didnt work out...Now im making this perfect guy in my head that i NEED AND WANT to meet now. But again reality sets in, that you just cant look for specifics, and LOOK in general. I cant set these rules that they have to have a mohawk, lots of piercings, and nice arms. *haha i REALLY have a thing for mohawks at the moment...hahahhaha*. But i feel like im losing out on things, by trying to find this PERFECT guy, and just passing up these great guys in return. But WHY should i settle. I dont want to make myself believe im happy, when im really not.
Right now im afraid to listen to Good Charlotte...Im afraid to listen to AFI..im afriad to listen to all the mixed CD's my friends made...Im afraid to listen to The Ataris. WHY, because they all mean so much more than anyone would know, and it hurts. I hurts all these ideals i set up. It hurts that i hold my emotions and feelings in music and relate myself to it. I dont know...I honesly think people think im a nutcase, and i really dont care if they do, cause otherwise i wouldnt be writing this for all to see. I just wish people would appricate me. Thats all. I just feel like my whole life
Ok jamie just came in and told me she is depressed as fuck too...so we are going for a walk to clear our minds....bye...sorry....:) Ill be okay..:) :) Im glad there are people here who can relate.i need that more than ever....
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