2003-01-02 - 1:28 a.m.
The stereo says "changer". *cant think of a god damn title*
I want to write this right now cause its honestly eating me up inside...and i really have no one to talk to right now that it needs to be heard to.
I know alot of people dont know the situation, and i dont think anyone will. Im just so goddamn confused right now, and im not one to be strong enough to acually tell people how i feel or confront people. I guess this is what is eating up at me right now, and in no way is this directed to anyone to be bitter, its just what i dont understand right now.
I feel like i want to say sorry for coming across as "TOO GOOD for pickering" and if i did come across that way, it CERTAINLY was not intended, and in no way shape or form have i ever felt that way. I feel like ive tryed to explain myself/actions to people who have asked me why i say certain things, like "i dont belong in pickering". Its just hard to come back here and all of a sudden act like ive been here all along...cause i havent. Im at university odviously, and i NEVER felt i was better because of that. This is the stage of life im at right now, and we all go thru different stages. Im having fun at univeristy there is no doubt in my mind, but i have hella fun at pickering too.
I honestly dont know what im saying. Its so fucking hard to explain, so hard..and it hurts so much....Its hurts cause i want to talk to people..i want to hear what everyone wants to say...I looked thru the past months entrys to see if i did come across a certain way, but i honesly dont think i did. Brock is where im gonna be for the next 4 years *i hope*, life goes on, and just because im in a new place, new people, new friends, doesnt mean i want to END everything i have in my real home. Ya things change thats life, but it sucks how it all has to come down to. Im not blaming anyone, and in a way i feel like i should blame myself for coming across a certain way, and people getting the wrong impression from me. And im sorry for that...It just sucks in a lot of ways...I just dont know....
Ya maybe this is the sissy way to get things out...but hell ill be the first one to admit im not a strong person when it comes to stuff like this. I hate causing conflict, i hate bitterness, i hate trying to explain the way i feel/think....
I guess it hurts cause i care, weither people know that or not...This is why i hate getting older...The things you do, are in your hands, and by letting them be it wont fix things....And i still have that state of mind sometimes.
I keep saying i dont care....and its stupid...but i do, and thats the problem.
added-After reading over this entry, it seems like im explaining myself, or being the one to say sorry for the way things are...I think im just really confused right now, and when things are confusing i blame myself..i know i shouldnt...i told lisa how i feel about things and she told me not to blame myself...im not.......im just really trying to figure out why things are happening the way they are, and with that i look at myself first, and from what other people tell me, i see if its true......and i dont think it is. maybe im stubborn, but i dont think i came across that way...so please point it out of how i did....I dont think its a crime to have fun and want to be where i have to live for the next few years...
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