2003-01-16 - 10:52 a.m.
Oh well.
I cant help but cry. I dont know why. There are so many things going thru my head right now. I dont know if i can pick a specific one that is bothering me more than the other.
Do you ever feel COMPLETELY alone. Well i dont think completely alone, cause i know there are people that truely care. But do you ever think about people around you, or people you were friends with or still am, and think about how much of it is real. I kinda do all the time. Ive messed up big time in the past with many things, and i will admit sometimes im not true..but sometimes i just feel like NOONE understand me at all. Around here i definatly cant tell people things. Even though me and jamie are close, it was only this week that i ever really told her things about people at home. Well odviosuly she knows of people back home, but of things that bothered me, or things that were on my mind about people at home. It was weird, cause i never tell anyone that shit, here anyways. But i still dont feel like i BELONG with certain people in my house. I dont have a problem with anyone in my house, i like alot of them, but i mean some people i just feel like we are FORCED friends, just because we live in the same house. People that i KNOW i would never ever be friends with, because they remind me alot of people i didnt really practicularly like in high school. I mean they are good people, i like hanging out with them, but they arent people i feel "comfortable" with. I know i shouldnt feel this way but i honestly feel like they judge people. I feel like because im not the "girly girl" who spends 2 hours doing my hair, that i dont fit in with them, and frankly i dont want to. I dont know. It so weird here, because there are SOO many different personality types, from so many backgrounds, and we are all forced together. And im the type of person that im not gonna be "fake" with them, im not gonna try to fit in with them just cause, and in the end it ends up screwing me over. But you know what, id rather be myself, and not TRY to be someone im not just to "fit in" with them, than fit in with them being someone im not. Thats life i guess.
Why did i bring all this up. Well because "they" all asked Jamie to come live with them next year, and since i dont really have a "group" of people i hang out with, and i really dont try to be friends with them, that leaves me with nowhere. Oh well, life goes on. Im not gonna stop having fun, and i guess next year ill go housesearching for someone who needs a roommate, and maybe ill have even more fun next year as i did this year. You know what would suck, if they asked me to live with them, and i just went and pretty much said i didnt fit in with them. But honestly if they did ask me to live with them, it wouldnt be any better. The only one i know is "real" to me is Jamie and frankly i think it would suck ass to feel like i do now, all of next year...
Live, learn and laugh.
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