2002-10-16 - 8:58 p.m.
A weekend of emotions
ahhh it feels so good to know monday is almost over. This is my worst day of the week, as my day starts at 9am and doesnt end til 9pm...With 7 hours of class in between, and literally no time to eat a MEAL, just chips or a chocholate bar.
ANYWAYS, lets get back to friday shall we. We all know i felt like shit, shit shit shit shit...i wanted to honestly drop outta university, not because of the work, but because i thought i fucked things up. That i was an idoit, that i couldnt take feeling stupid sometimes, and that everyone hated me. I felt so alone, i dont know, it just sucked. I said to myself over and over that i just wanted to be in my bed, in my house, with my family, and stay in there for the rest of my life. University is such a HUGE change, and it really hits you, that YOU AND noone eles is responible for your actions, and FOR YOUR LIFE.
So i got home, and i passed out at 9:30 night, and didnt wake up til 12pm, which was NICE:)
I took Tarah out for lunch for some "sister bonding time!"..aww what a nice sister i am! We went over to Lindsays house and chilled with her, and i bought me a much needed watch at walmart...my mom had a nice family dinner ready *wow, i dont remember the last time we ate in the dining room*.
Anyways after that i literally just sat on the couch and waited..i dont know what i was waiting for, but maybe i had this crazy thought in my head it was still summer, and that i was just waiting for Tarah to tell me that we were all going to meet at wendy/tims and than watch the boys play volleyball, than go somewhere and talk...and have fun..like we always do.......but that didnt happen...no calls, tarah was sleeping, and i was home on a saturday night thinking how much it SUCKED ASS. How summer was OVER, GONE, done........so not only did i not want to be at university anymore, but i didnt want to be at home. I think me going home was a way for me to forget that summer was over, but really being home THIS WEEKEND made me reliese it was, and that it was different now. I sat there reading comso...I saw Alex came online, and not expecting anything of it, started talking to him. I thought i didnt want to go out anymore, really what was the use, but i needed to talk to someone, i needed to see SOMEONE...alex invited me out, and picked me up and we headed to wendys/tims. Honestly i couldnt stop thanking alex, it meant more than anything to have someone to talk to, for me to know i wasnt alone in this world, cause thats honestly how i felt....We talked about alot of stuff, and it just reasured me how GREAT of a guy alex is, and how lucky robin really is. There should be more guys like alex. He is a really good friend. *aww sorry if im making everyone sick now..* I had this fucked up feeling i was gonna see Urbas and Matt...and after about 2 hours of talking with alex, guess who walked into timmys, but Urbas, Matt, Dustin, and Biterman..However wasnt exactly the way i wanted to see them. It was weird, weird weird weird. They were all piss drunk, and it was different. I dont know how to explain it, but it was. Alex drove me home shortly after, and i came home feeling better that i had talked to someone, but worse cause of how it was with Urbas and Matt. It was just a change from how summer was...I dont do well with change...Alot alot of things were bothering me. I think i just expected alot more from this weekend, i think i just expecting everything to return to normal...and everything would be as great as in summer, and even though i knew robin wasnt there, i had this stupid idea that she would be..I DONT KNOW..really messed up.
I woke up around 11ish the next day, and lindsay picked up me and tarah and we headed with her, and her bro jacob downtown to the jays game. The subway ride there was great fun, as the subway driver was crazy cool, and jacob got to press all these crazy buttons, and was really nice to him..It was cool, SHOULD BE more subway drivers like him! hahaha..The jays game was fun, we had good seats, and the game got REALLY good at the end..Jays lost, but what can ya do!
We got back to P-town around 5, and went to Matt and Navins work, cause i told Navin i would come see him before i left.. Matt gave us a shit load of tokens, so we played some games, and than headed home.
MY dad drove me downtown to the bus terminal for my bus back here at 7:30. I got back to Brock at 9, and was sorta scaried, because of how i left it, and worried that jamie would be mad at me. I dont know why that bugged me, but again i felt shitty for the event on thurdsay night. I got to my room, and vicky started screaming and was SOO happy to see me...It made me feel sooo good, and there was a note on my door that said "i miss you tawnya, jamie"..which was really a good thing to see, cause that alone feeling i had, TOTALLY disapeared:)I was just being stupid and making little things, BIGGER than they were...
It felt good to be back here...i get more comfortable everyday:) Like i said i had a huge talk with Matt about a bunch of shit...I think alot of what was bothering me over the weekend i needed to sort out with him...and it was good that we talked...very good...just let me get shit that was building up, out, and i understand alot of what he is thinking too, which matt rarely lets out....It takes alot to get stuff outta that kid! hahaha..but i love him....i love EVERYONE:) haha..no, not really.
Well i have some more stuff i wanna get out, but vicky is back now, and she is talking, and i cant type and talk, so when i find time between the MILLION OF readings i have ill write again...so good night all:)
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