2002-09-29 - 8:19 p.m.
To my sister.
a long shower and time to think was all i needed...
I thought of all these things to write..but i dont feel like i should write them. Maybe cause they were words in which i was trying to explain myself. Me explaining what goes on in my head, why i feel certain ways. Why i feel stupid sometimes, why i feel like i let people down, why i feel like i let MYSELF down sometimes...But i honestly dont think anything i have done needs explaining....
Tarah told me to forget everything..but how can i..Im not gonna regret what i did last night, because honestly i did NOTHING wrong. I met a nice guy, a cute guy, and i kissed him. I didnt hardcore make out with him like i might have done previously. I wasnt drunk. I didnt do it outta kicks..I did it cause i felt it was right..If i knew that it would have broken a promise that i made with my sister, and that it would be the bases of weither or not tarah can trust me, than there would have been NO WAY IN HELL i would have done it...If i knew tarah would be mad at me, than i would give everything to take it back. No guy in this world..no kiss in this world is worth having my sister mad/dissipointed in me...And thats why i felt like i let someone down...i can understand why tarah would be mad, but i honestly didnt do it to rub it in her face. I honest to god thought our little "deal" was a joke...I feel like ive been a crappy older sister the past months..and thats what made me cry. That i let someone i love and care about more than anything in the world down...Thats what brought on all those metions of school in my last entry. I fear letting people i love down..and i wanna make my parents proud...i live to make my parents happy, hell i live to make my family happy...It hurt inside so badly to think that i let someone in my family down....I love her so much, and it hurts me so much to see her hurt..and i know this past month has been a hard one for her, and im sitting here crying because my whole life ive wanted to mmake tarah happy and whether or not she knows that, when i know she is hurting, i hurt so much, and wish i could take away all the people that do that to her....and now im one of these people, that hurt her, and its the worst fucking feelings in the world...i wish i could have directly told tarah all this, but its hard cause she tells me to forget everything, and i cant..because i love her so much, that knowing i made her mad, makes me want to walk home and give her a hug.
i wish i was at home right now......
i should go read now, so i dont totally blow away my university career...
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