2002-10-21 - 9:52 p.m.
No title
There are so many things i wanna write..SO many...and i thought about it...i cant close this diary. This diary has been there for me fro the last couple of years, and just because of one stupid thing i did, i wanna close it. How stupid of me.
In the last couple of months ive lost ALOT of friend......i dug myself into a hole so big, that i literally messed up everything..I lost my best friend..i lost friends i had for years..WHY? because i got caught up in things, and comflicts started to arise that i couldnt deal with. I CANT DEAL WITH CONFLICTS, so i try and hide from them, hoping that they will work things out...which they dont..........I try to forget things i do to make myself feel better....I had one friend leave me a message on icq telling me he wants to be friends still. I honestly dont think i deserve that......i dont deserve alot of things....ok thats not the point of the entry...
i dont know what is....my life has changed. Not really change, but life is really hitting me. Im not alone in this world, i know that, but i make my own decisions, and IM the only one responible for my life. This scares me. I called my mom tonight, and i really held back the tears. I just want my parents to be proud of me, and sometimes i feel like i dont live up to that. when i wrote that last entry i just wanted to be home...home is where i feel safe...Its kinda weird being in a new place, with new people, with new things happening everyday. Its quite frankly the most scariest thing i have ever lived through....I guess this feeling is just part of the experience.
I am going home this weekend. Getting away from life here, and to what im familar with. I just got back from going to after-hours with jamie, and that girl is great. I know im not alone...i know i am having the time of my life, and these experiences just make me learn more...its funny when she said "tawnya we have only been here 6 weeks, and we have SOOO many stories"..Its crazy, its so overwelming!
My whole life i had been afraid to do stuff. Hell i was afraid to kiss boys up to earlyer in this year..Maybe i felt like i had been missing out on something in life...and i had to experience everything. I DONT KNOW..im trying to anaysis things...But just know im not gonna close this, i love everyone at home, and one little thing isnt gonna stop me from living life.:) I said it a few times before, but im sticking by my word now..im changing my ways of the past 6 weeks. I experiences, i had fun, but nothing really good came outta it....
I wish i could make everyone happy...but maybe i should start by making myself TRULY happy first.I am happy..i am having fun...but there is still a part missing...Ok...i should go read now....No one worry about me:) Im fine:) if i wasnt, trust me, this would be the first place i would go..:P
Bye bye my sweets!
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