2003-03-30 - 11:46 p.m.
So special.
Well first sitting on the bus back to Brock i was thinking i was gonna write an emtry about my weekend home..than for some ODD reason, i dont even know where it came from i started thinking about Adrian. I than spent 45 minutes of the bus ride thinking about the 5 years in high school, and moments with him, and i almost started to fucking cry on the bus. Who does that? OH ME. I would give my left hand to talk to that kid again. I dont think anyone in the world understands what he meant to me. I dont think anyone ever or will understand the relationship we had. to others it may have not been anything. I never really talked about him, noone really ever knew the things between me and him, so i guess i was replaying in my mind all the goodtimes, and that highschool would have NOT been the same without him, in so many ways you dont understand.
I feel like sometimes i should explain it all, and i want to. I feel like i never got it out. I than came to the conclusion that he was "the guy" that i will always remember from highschool. Its kinda weird how prom was the last time we ever really talked, and kinda like the end of all the *i dont even know the word* in highschool. At the same time it was probably the best thing that could have come out of that night. It was the last thing i EVER EVER EVER EXPECTED, and to this day i really wonder if we really did spend that night together. It would be NOTHING big to you, or anyone else, but it was something big to us.
Man i wish i could explain it all. I want to write about it in here, i want to share how much i regret things, and how he had a part in alot of things i did *ie-noone knew this, but he was the reason why me and Matt broke up...* There are so many things people dont know, and i guess thats why i want to let it out. I guess what it really is, is noone ever knew how much he really meant to me. For people to tell me that he said he was in love with me, and for me to just laugh it off, and say right now i couldnt think of him as more than a friend, was a complete lie. I thought it was cute when Matt Martin to call me, and tell me that Adrian wanted me to call this house and let it ring once if i wanted to be with him..i just laugh it off and told him that was stupid. I could say i regret it all, i regret not following my heart and being with him...but maybe it wouldnt have been as special if i did. Maybe thats why i felt like Prom night was one of the best nights, because it made sense.
I look back and it made sense all along..but at the time it didnt. Sorry this entry doesnt mean anything to anyone else but me. Because noone else understood but me.
Fuck this entry could go on and on forever.....I complain alot about highschool, but the people i was with made it memorable.
Im so tempted to message Pat and ask him how adrian is doing. There are just those people you meet in your life, that even though you never expect to talk or see them again, you just want to know HOW THEY ARE DOING. thats all.
Hmm i was also thinking, its kinda odd that the picture right beside my bed is the one from the day at the beach back in grade 11..That was the day he reliesed he really liked me, and i quote this "fell in love with me". That was a good day. And thats probably one of my favorite pictures, right after he picked me up and threw me in the dirty lake ontario. I remember we sat on the pats old beat up car, and we made up a game *fuck i wish i could rember what we called it..* and i remmeber katie took a picture of us sitting there laughing, and she later told me she took that because she knew there was something between us. Everyone thought that from the first day we met back in grade 10. I always had a secret crush on him, but my two best friends at the time also wanted him...but as they got different boyfriends, and me and adrian got to know each other, get in trouble in grade 10 class together *haha those were the days*, people would ALWAYS accuse us of liking each other, and we would ALWAYS denie it. It wasnt til i was going out with Matt that i reliese i wanted to be with ADrain. He made me happy. And it wasnt until that day at the beach in the summer that i guess Adrian reliesed it too. But why it didnt go any further, was because i was scared. When katie told me on their trip to BC all he talked about was me, and how he reliesed he loved me after he "accidently" made a "T" in the sand, is so weird to think about. I remember when summer was over and grade 12 began and i guess it kind of died down nothing was gonna happen, and that night at the Go Train station. Just kinda looking at each other, and just start laughing. But i just remember we were staring at each other, and it felt so comfortable, and i remember thinkin, what did i do tawnya...why didnt i let things happen. Fuck there were so many good times. And i guess what took me by surprise at prom was we hadnt talked in a while, and at the after party, camping, it was just like old times with him. That was the thing, we could not see each other for so long, and i could still hae the most amasing time with him and be so comfortable. Just to fall asleep with him right beside the fire holding hands, was the best thing i could have asked for. I guess you could say it ended the best it could have.....
i read this over and i repeated myself alot..sorry, but that was what was repeatin in my mind tonight.
The one gift i love most about life, is that of memory...
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