2003-06-10 - 6:33 p.m.
Freedom to write what i want!
I made my decision....and i dont like trying....so im not. I dont think i should put any effort into anything. I dont think i should be forcing myself to like people....
I want to have that butterfly feeling again.
Bah im really down on myself today...alot....i cant even count the number of times i cryed today. For no reason. Wait, maybe just thinking of lots of moments from the last year. Want to know what i did today? I got woken up by Andrew. That was probably the best part of the day..For someone to call me from the other side of the world. Its weird that Tarah acually said something nice about andrew for once...It surprised me he realy called, because sometimes i find it hard to believe people. EXPECIALLY since he is in afganstan fighting in the army!! I dont think ive ever had a phone conversation with anyone outside North America...
Than i sat in my room the whole fucking day and did shit all. I lyed in bed and cryed a few times. I sat in bed and listened to my AFI cd over and over. I really like it. I think im PMSing. Its funny cause i woke up this morning and its that time of the month *sorry for all these fucking details* and i thought to myself, wow, tawnya i havent been emotional like i normally am when its that time. BUT i think cause i told myself that, something just happened. hahaha i was just talking to Lisa on the phone, and for once i told someone everything ive been thinking today. Mostly stuff about Greg, because odviously she knows and is the middle man between us. Because you know he tells her EVERYTHING that has to do with me, and never once brings up ANYTHING with us. Sorry...I dont wanna assume things about a certain situation, but it bothers me to think about it.
So ya i watched Crossroad cause it was on tv, and i fucking cryed during that movie. Im such an idoit. It acually had nothing to do with the movie..im just being a total sap today. Im just confused, thats all. I just sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, cause thats how i feel. I also feel like i can never do anything right. I feel that i let people down, and they expect more outta me. I feel bad. I know this sounds selfish, but i have to do things for myself. Thats all.
Im just hopeful for the future...:) Im going to the movies tonight....i would honestly go insane if i was stuck in my house everyday, or longer than 10 hours, BY MYSELF. I have a problem with being by myself.
I have a problem with people turning off my music as well. *tarah!!!!!!!!!*.
Ok gotta go....thanks for listening.
Oh another thing. I hate the feeling that noone is listening. I hate when im in the middle of saying something total serious and meaningful in my life, and i get the impression that the person isnt listening, or totally just jumps in the middle of the conversation with "oh well, im working out now eh?".
bah.
:)
Good bye my loves.
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